By Anna Cave-Bigley
Sometimes, beneath the surface of smiling baby photos and congratulatory messages lies a hidden struggle—a battle against the shadows that creep in when no one is watching. Postpartum depression (PPD) and intrusive thoughts are not the dirty little secrets of motherhood; they are real, raw experiences that affect many women, often in silence and shame. Society tells us to bury these feelings, to smile through the pain, and to be grateful for what we have, but what if we dared to speak up? What if we acknowledged that it’s not only okay to feel overwhelmed, scared, or lost—it’s normal.
Yet, the stigma surrounding PPD persists, pushing many women into silence. There's an unspoken rule that mothers should only feel grateful, happy, and fulfilled. The truth, however, is much more complex. Over 90 per cent of new mothers will experience scary, intrusive thoughts about their baby and themselves. These thoughts can feel like a betrayal of the maternal instinct, like a dark force lurking in the corners of your mind, whispering fears you never knew you had. It can feel like PTSD in reverse—a pre-traumatic flash-forward to imagined horrors that grip you with panic and dread.
Postpartum mental health is more complex and can feel more tenuous than moments of stress or mental health concerns you may have experienced previously in life due the hormonal implications - birth is the single biggest hormonal event of your life with the largest hormonal fluctuations in the shortest period of time that a human being experiences. You are bound to experience bumps! So be gentle on yourself.
If you are a new mum feeling this way, there is nothing wrong with you, and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. This isn’t a reflection of your love for your child or your capabilities as a mother; it’s a reflection of the profound transformation your mind and body are undergoing. The journey to a more peaceful metal state starts with recognising what you’re experiencing and knowing when to seek help. Let’s break down some important questions that can guide you to understand what you’re feeling and what steps to take next.
Important questions to ask yourself
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Am I constantly battling a sense of dread or fear that something terrible is going to happen? Have I felt this for more than two weeks?
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Do I experience intense, detailed thoughts or images about harm coming to my baby or myself, even though they horrify me?
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Do I feel like I’m losing myself in waves of sadness, anxiety, or emptiness?
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Am I feeling emotionally numb or disconnected from my baby, partner, or the world around me?
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Are my worries spiralling into obsessive behaviours, like constantly checking if my baby is breathing or overly sanitising everything?
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Am I constantly questioning my ability to be a good mother, feeling a persistent sense of failure?
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Am I struggling to speak openly about how I feel, fearing judgement or misunderstanding?
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Have I lost interest in things that used to make me feel alive or like myself?
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Am I physically and emotionally exhausted, but unable to rest or find peace?
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Do I feel trapped in a cycle of self-blame or shame for not feeling the way I 'should' as a mother?
The answer to these questions can indicate you suffer from Intrusive thoughts. While these thoughts alone don't indicate postpartum depression, if they become persistent, repetitive, and lead to compulsive behaviours or avoidance of certain situations of activities, they can develop into postpartum Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), an early sign of postpartum depression (PPD). This is why it's crucial to recognise these red flags, as they can signal a need for support and intervention to prevent these symptoms from worsening.
Finding support: You don’t have to do this alone.
These feelings and thoughts do not reflect your worth as a mother, and seeking support is an act of courage and strength, not a sign of weakness. There are people, professionals, and communities ready to stand by you, offer guidance, and help you find the light in what might feel like a dark and confusing time, and taking that first step can make all the difference in finding the understanding and healing you deserve.
1. Connect with Other Mothers and Support Networks
Finding a community of people who understand what you’re going through can provide tremendous relief and validation. Online and local support groups specifically for new mothers can be incredibly helpful. Organisations like Postpartum Support International (PSI), and Smart Patients support Community offer online support groups, helplines, and resources that connect you with other moms who understand your experiences.
2. Reach Out to Healthcare Professionals
It’s crucial to talk to a healthcare provider, such as your GP, midwife, or a mental health professional, who can help distinguish between normal postpartum adjustments and more severe symptoms that may require intervention.
3. Explore Therapy and Counseling
Therapy can provide the tools needed to manage intrusive thoughts and postpartum depression effectively. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is particularly helpful for those dealing with anxiety, depression, or obsessive-compulsive thoughts after childbirth. Platforms like BetterHelp or Mind UK (for those in the UK) provide help in finding therapists who specialise in postpartum mental health.
4. Lean on Your Support System: Family and Friends
Your partner, family, or close friends can be an important part of your support system. Let them know what you’re experiencing and how they can help, whether by assisting with daily tasks, taking over a part of childcare or giving you a much needed break, providing a listening ear, or simply being present when you need it most. Create a clear support plan that outlines specific tasks, like meal preparation or babysitting, that your loved ones can assist with. This not only helps lighten your load but also allows them to support you more effectively. If you are unable to think those tasks and asks through, this may be a sign that you need a break more acutely, reach out, ask for that first line of help and to arrange to take the time you may need. Sometimes a few hours of self-care, like a walk in nature, a long bath, and talking out loud to a friendly ear can bring about a mental shift and lighten your load. But if that’s not enough, that is ok too. Start small and build gradually.
5. Know When to Seek Immediate Help: Emergency Resources for Crisis Situations
If you are experiencing thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, or if you feel overwhelmed by anxiety or depression, it’s vital to reach out for immediate help. Here are some emergency helplines available based on your location:
- United Kingdom:
- Samaritans: Call 116 123 for 24/7 confidential support.
- NHS 24 Mental Health Hub: Call 111 and select the mental health option for immediate advice.
- United States:
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 988 for 24/7 support.
- Postpartum Support International Helpline: Call 1-800-944-4773 or text "HELP" to 800-944-4773 for specialised support.
- Europe:
- European Emergency Number: Call 112 for immediate assistance in any EU country.
- International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP): Visit the IASP website for country-specific helplines.
- Other Support Options:
- Crisis Text Line (US, UK, Canada): Text "HELLO" to 741741 (US), 85258 (UK), or 686868 (Canada) for free, 24/7 text-based support.
- Lifeline (Australia): Call 13 11 14 for 24/7 support for mental health crises.
These resources are available to provide immediate assistance and connect you with further support.
6. Empower Yourself with Knowledge: Book Recommendations
Books can be an invaluable resource for understanding and managing your experiences. They provide insights, practical tools, and emotional support that can be deeply comforting during this time.
- "Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts: A Healing Guide to the Secret Fears of New Mothers" by Karen Kleiman: This book offers validation and compassion for new moms, providing practical advice and real-life stories that normalise scary thoughts and encourage seeking help.
- "Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle of Unwanted Thoughts in Motherhood" by Karen Kleiman and Amy Wenzel: This book addresses the cycle of unwanted, intrusive thoughts many new mothers experience, offering strategies to break free from the anxiety and guilt that often accompany them.
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Daily Life Adjustments: The Power of Music, Walks, and Carving Out Time for Yourself
Amidst the whirlwind of new motherhood, it's easy to lose sight of yourself in the demands of caring for your newborn. However, small adjustments in your daily routine can make a profound difference in how you feel. Incorporating simple practices like daily walks, even if they’re short, can be grounding. There’s something magical about stepping outside, breathing fresh air, and feeling the rhythm of your body move..
Music also holds immense power. Whether it’s an upbeat playlist that lifts your spirits or calming instrumental music to create a peaceful atmosphere, it can transform your mood. Finding just 20 minutes a day for yourself—a small, achievable goal—can be a lifeline. Whether it's listening to an audiobook during your baby’s nap or enjoying a quiet cup of tea, these brief moments of 'you-time' can provide a much-needed reset.
While these might seem like small steps, they can help lighten your mental load, making it easier to recognise when more significant support is needed.
Reclaiming Your Story, One Step at a Time
As a mum who has walked through the fog of postpartum depression myself, I know how easy it is to feel like you're losing yourself in a world that demands you to be everything to everyone, while you’re drowning in a sea of doubt, fear, or even dread. Motherhood is a transformative journey for many women—a path of rediscovering oneself. For some, external support is essential to make it through to the other side. And I promise, there is another side. It may not feel that way when you're in the thick of it, but you'll emerge. Each day, you're pushing forward, striving for more smiles, more moments of joy…
Your story doesn’t have to be one of silent suffering. Reach out. Speak your truth. Allow yourself the grace to admit when things feel heavy and the courage to seek the light. There is a community of women who’ve been where you are, ready to walk alongside you, ready to support you in coming through to the other side.
ABOUT ANNA
Anna is a Co-founder of The SABI and has spent the past 13 years working in or for governments, senior businessmen and politicians around the world. Living in Bogota, Colombia, she recently renovated one of Colombia’s oldest and most iconic coffee estates, developing a unique taste and travel experience. She lives with her husband and two boys Lorenzo and Alfie who are responsible for the beautiful journey that inspired her to pursue The Sabi.
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