By Hilary Metcalfe
IVF was never just a medical procedure for me, it was a battlefield of hope and heartbreak.
After a miscarriage, the relentless pain of undiagnosed endometriosis for over 15 years, and failed IVF, I often felt like my body was betraying me. Each injection, scan, and two-week wait carried the weight of my entire future. You start to measure your life in cycles: stimulation, retrieval, transfer, wait… and if those cycles end in loss, it carves something into you that words rarely capture.
But here’s the truth: even in the darkest moments, hope has a way of surviving. IVF tested me in ways I never imagined, physically, emotionally, spiritually. And yet, it also taught me resilience. Today, as I write this with Paloma and Bea, my two rainbow babies, by my side, I know that storms do pass, and fragile hope can grow into life.
If you are in the thick of IVF, here’s what I wish I had known about caring for your emotional world.
1. Let grief have a voice
Miscarriage and failed cycles are losses, full stop. Too often they’re minimised with “at least you know you can get pregnant” or “just try again.” Allow yourself to grieve, not just the embryo or pregnancy, but the dreams, the birthdays, the milestones you had already imagined.
Create a ritual of release. Light a candle, write a letter, plant a flower, something small that acknowledges the life that was, and the love that remains.
2. Protect your mind from the numbers game
IVF turns you into an amateur statistician: follicle counts, embryo grades, percentages. Numbers are part of the science, but they don’t define your worth, or your future.
Limit how often you google success rates. Instead, focus on what you can control that day: a nourishing meal, a gentle walk, a calming bedtime routine. Anchor yourself in the present, not projections.
3. Build tiny rituals of care
When your body feels medicalised, bruised from injections, bloated from hormones, it’s easy to disconnect. Small rituals can remind you that your body deserves kindness, even in struggle.
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A warm bath or shower before bed.
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A calming herbal tea, I leaned on our Calming Herbata at night to ease my anxiety and help manage cortisol levels, which if spiking from all the IVF stress, can block pregnancy. Ensuring your mental health and emotional wellbeing is essential right now.
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A short, nourishing and natural skincare routine, a mist, serum, cream, that hydrate your skin while protecting you from endocrine disruptors and oxidative stress.
4. Find your people (and your boundaries)
IVF can be isolating. Not everyone will understand, and not every conversation will feel supportive. It’s okay to be selective.
Practical advice:
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Join a support group (online or in-person).
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Share your journey with one or two trusted friends who can listen without “fixing.”
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Set boundaries: “We’re not ready to share details right now, but thank you for checking in.”
5. Professional support is not weakness, it’s strength
Fertility struggles are one of the biggest stressors a couple can face. Studies show that women experiencing infertility report levels of distress comparable to those with cancer or heart disease. Therapy, especially with someone trained in fertility and grief—can help you hold the weight.
Look for a fertility counsellor through your clinic, or try CBT-based techniques to manage spiralling thoughts.
6. Keep hope alive, but gently
Hope in IVF is tricky: too much feels dangerous, too little feels unbearable. What helped me was allowing hope to be small but steady, not an all-or-nothing leap, but a quiet belief that my story wasn’t finished.
If you are somewhere in the middle of the journey, navigating injections, waiting rooms, or the grief of another negative test, please know this:
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You are not broken.
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You are not alone.
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Your story is still being written.
IVF will test your heart in ways you never imagined. But it will also reveal a resilience you didn’t know you had. My daughters, Paloma and Bea, are proof that light can follow the storm. And whether your rainbow comes through IVF, adoption, or another unexpected path, you are worthy of motherhood, love, gentleness, and all the hope along the way.
ABOUT HILARY
Hilary is the Co-Founder of the SABI, a Holistic Nutritionist, natural, whole foods Chef, product developer and advocate for women getting to know their bodies, cycles and selves better. Born in Los Angeles, California and raised in Baja California, Mexico, she now lives in Los Cabos with her partner Kees, a curly-tailed rescue dog from Curacao, Flint and her rainbow babies Paloma and Bea.
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HORMONAL & PROUD
Created as a brand to help women navigate the toughest moments in pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum — and practically every stage of life, the SABI aims to change the narrative around our hormones from one of taboo, embarrassment and loneliness, to awareness and even pride. Much more than a wellness brand, SABI offers a carefully crafted line of products to carry you through your hormonal journey; a set of rituals, supportive tools, and ancient herbal remedies that have been tested time and again by women and now, backed by medicine. SABI is a blend of science and nature conceived by women who have experienced the joys and deep implications of bringing a child into the world, the pains of a heavy and difficult period, miscarriage and difficulty conceiving
Here is an invitation to get to know your body and its cycles better and to really understand what is going on inside. Learn to use your hormonal cycle to your advantage no matter your stage of life, and know that you can always support and balance your hormone levels. Look for the right sources of information, know that there is help, and know that you’re supported.
DISCLAIMER
The SABI blog and articles are not meant to instruct or advise on medical or health conditions, but to inform. The information and opinions presented here do not substitute professional medical advice or consultations with healthcare professionals for your unique situation.
