A Guide for Partners After Miscarriage: Healing Male Grief

By Hilary Metcalfe

When I wrote my first guide to navigating miscarriage, it was fresh from my own loss and the months that followed. I was struck not only by the grief itself, but by how clumsily the world handles it: with awkward silences, minimisation, and empathy misses. I wanted women to know they weren’t alone, and for those who loved them to have practical tools to make an unbearably lonely experience, more bearable.

But over time, I realised there was another silence I hadn’t named: the silence around partners, particularly men.

Culturally, men are raised to be “strong,” to hold it together, qualities that can feel completely at odds with grief. Vulnerability often makes them uncomfortable, out of control, or unable to process what they themselves are feeling. Sometimes that discomfort shows up as minimising your grief, or even appearing apathetic. Sometimes, in a misguided attempt to “steady the ship” and be the rock for both of you, it looks like shutting down or stonewalling. 

What I learned in my experience is we all grieve differently, though for many men, there is often a rhyme to the story. What may feel like silence or distance from your partner could be their process, not yours. For men, miscarriage may be experienced as an event. For women, it’s often a drawn-out physical and emotional process, days or weeks of the body releasing a pregnancy, hormonal storms, contractions, bleeding, and the disorienting sense of “not feeling like yourself.” Your grief stacks on top of that physical storm. Their grief may be quieter, less visible, or simply different.

This mismatch can feel profoundly alienating inside the relationship - and outside it, too, where the world too often treats miscarriage as “less than” a real loss.

This guide is my attempt to break that silence. To remind both partners of three simple truths:

1. There was a profound loss.
   
   

2. There are no half pregnancies. Whether for weeks or months, life was there, and no one should minimise your grief, not even your partner.
   
   

3. Everyone grieves in their own time. Integrating loss may look very different for the partner who carried the pregnancy than for the one who did not.
   
   

Miscarriage is not only a mother’s story. It is a partner’s story too. Men deserve recognition, language, and support in their grief. This is an article to acknowledge the male experience of miscarriage grief. And if you’ve felt puzzled, isolated, or hurt by your partner’s response, or their apparent lack of one to your loss, this guide is for you as well.

Male grief is real, even if unseen

The research backs up what I’ve witnessed. Studies show that male partners often experience deep sadness, guilt, and helplessness after miscarriage, yet their grief is frequently overlooked.

• A 2019 PLOS ONE study found that men described their loss as devastating, reporting feelings of shock, powerlessness, and even a loss of identity, while also noting that their grief was rarely acknowledged by others (PLOS ONE).
  
  

• A 2022 review in BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth confirmed that men can feel intense grief and sadness, but many cope by internalising their emotions or avoiding recognition of the loss, often because of social expectations to “stay strong” (BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth).
  
  

• Other research highlights how men are frequently overlooked by healthcare professionals, with little or no support offered to them after miscarriage 

A UK survey by Tommy’s found women were three times more likely than men to be asked about their mental health after miscarriage. Men were rarely, if ever asked. Instead, they were expected to be the “rock.”

But grief doesn’t disappear just because it’s hidden. It resurfaces in anxiety, insomnia, irritability, overworking, drinking and using other coping substances more, or pulling away emotionally.

The Fixer Trap

One of the most common patterns I see, and lived, is men falling into “fixer mode.” They tidy the house, organise logistics, make plans for “next time.” It comes from love, but it can also become avoidance.

I remember one night, when I was crying, my partner sat down and immediately began listing what we’d do differently next time: supplements, doctors, timing. He wanted to help. But what I needed wasn’t a plan, it was presence.

The most powerful moment wasn’t when he tried to fix things, but when he finally admitted: “I don’t know how to make this better.” What he couldn’t say was, ”But I’m feeling broken too.” When he finally did show it after a huge fight, that honesty and vulnerability was the rope that pulled us closer again. If you are a partner: your strength is not only in protecting. It is in sharing your grieving and allowing yourself to be human.

Healthy outlets for male grief

Grief is energy, potentially heavy, chaotic energy. If it has no channel, it seeps sideways into irritability, addiction and, detachment. Giving grief form is not about “fixing” it; it’s about creating safe spaces where it can breathe. These were the things that worked for my partner.

Movement: Letting the body carry what words cannot

Exercise has been repeatedly shown to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression after traumatic events. A 2021 UK study confirmed that physical activity provided measurable relief for grieving individuals.

• Try high-intensity outlets (boxing, running, CrossFit) when anger and restlessness spike. These activities help burn through adrenaline and cortisol, stress hormones that often surge in grief.
  
  

• Choose grounding movement (yoga, tai chi, swimming, hiking) when what you feel is numbness, disconnection, or exhaustion. These bring nervous system regulation and body awareness back online.
  
  

• Practical tip: Anchor your routine to your baby. For example, dedicate one run or yoga practice a week “for them.” It transforms exercise into ritual.
  
  

Creative expression: Building something from the rubble

Where words fail, creativity can say what grief cannot.

• Writing. Journaling, or writing letters to your baby. Studies on expressive writing show it reduces intrusive thoughts and improves emotional processing.
  
  

• Music. Playing an instrument or creating playlists that hold your grief. Neuroscience shows music activates areas of the brain linked to emotion and memory, making it a powerful channel for unspoken feelings.
  
  

• Hands-on creation. Woodwork, gardening, painting, photography. Tangible creation in the face of loss can restore a sense of agency when everything feels out of control.
  
  

• Practical tip: Consider planting a tree or creating something lasting in your baby’s honour. This small act becomes a living, growing memorial.
  
  

Rituals: Giving grief a home

Psychologists describe rituals as “containers for emotion.” They don’t erase pain, but they keep grief from spilling everywhere.

• Micro-rituals. Carrying a necklace, a stone, or a photo. Touch it when waves of sadness rise. Kees gave me one, and we both touched it often in recognition and love for that baby that never came. This small token became an anchor, a physical reminder that our grief was shared, that we were carrying each other’s loss too.
  
  

• Shared rituals. Lighting a candle together on anniversaries, saying your baby’s name aloud, marking due dates with a walk, prayer, or moment of silence.
  
  

• Community rituals. Attending remembrance events (e.g., Baby Loss Awareness Week in the UK, Wave of Light globally). Research shows communal mourning reduces isolation and increases resilience.
  
  

• Choose one ritual you can repeat consistently. Integrating loss thrives on repetition, it anchors memory in love.
  
  

Solitude: Processing without abandonment

Men often need solitude to metabolise grief, yet silence can look like withdrawal to a partner. Learning to differentiate between the two is crucial.

• Healthy solitude: Quiet walks, meditation, podcasts, sitting in stillness.
  
  

• Warning signs: Isolation that lasts weeks without re-engagement, relying on alcohol or overwork to numb.
  
  

• Practical tip: Communicate clearly. Say, “I need an hour or afternoon to myself, but I’ll be back.” This transforms solitude from rejection into intentional processing.
  
  

The couple dynamic: Learning to grieve together

One thing I experienced is grief is not only personal; it’s relational. Couples often find themselves grieving in opposite languages, one craving words or touch, the other silence. This difference can either fracture or deepen connection.

1. Communicate in Micro-Doses

Big “how are you really?” conversations can feel impossible. Instead, try smaller, daily check-ins:

• “How are you this morning?”
  
  

• “What feels heavy today?”
  
  

• “What would help you tonight, company or quiet?”
  
  

Research on grief communication shows micro-doses of dialogue keep couples connected without overwhelming either person.

2. Accept Different Grieving Styles

Psychologists Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin describe two broad grieving patterns:

• Intuitive grievers (often women, but not always),  express grief through talking, crying, needing to share.
  
  

• Instrumental grievers (often men, but not always),  express grief through doing, problem-solving, or silent reflection.
  
  

Neither style is “wrong.” The danger comes when we interpret differences as distance or apathy. 

3. Shared practices

• Light a candle together every month on the date of the loss.
  
  

• Write the baby’s name in sand at the beach, let the tide carry it away.
  
  

• Visit a place you associate with peace or hope.
  
  

Couple rituals remind you that grief doesn’t have to drive you apart, it can be the soil from which deeper intimacy grows.

Resources for partners after miscarriage

Books

• Miscarriage: A Man’s Book - Rick Wheat. Short, straightforward, validating.
  
  

• A Guide for Fathers: When a Baby Dies - Tim Nelson. Practical, easy to read.
  
  

• Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back - Kelly Farley. Candid, unfiltered.
  
  

Podcasts

• Dad Still Standing - two UK fathers speaking with humour and honesty.
  
  

• Griefcast - grief in many forms, showing it’s universal.
  
  

• The Miscarriage Doula - women’s voices, but useful for empathy-building.
  
  

👥 Communities

• The Miscarriage Association (UK) - includes partner-focused resources.
  
  

• Tommy’s (UK) - practical and emotional support for dads.
  
  

• Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support (US) - couples and partner groups.
  
  

• Reddit r/miscarriage + private dad Facebook groups - anonymous, honest spaces where men finally speak what they can’t say elsewhere.
  
  

Professional Support

• Grief or perinatal therapists - help process trauma, individually or as a couple.
  
  

• Somatic therapy - body-based, especially useful if grief feels stuck physically.
  
  

• Digital tools - apps like Grief Works (Julia Samuel) provide guided reflection and journaling.

Grief never ends, but it changes shape. David Kessler calls this the sixth stage of grief: finding meaning.

For me, meaning came in writing, in building The SABI, in speaking openly about things many still keep hidden. For my partner, meaning came more quietly: in the tenderness he carries now, in the empathy he shows other men, in the way he fathers our two babies.

Finding meaning doesn’t mean moving on. It means carrying love forward in a different way.

To the men reading this: your grief is not invisible here. You lost a baby too. You are allowed to cry, to rage, to go quiet. You are allowed to heal, in your way, on your time.

ABOUT HILARY

Hilary is the Co-Founder of the SABI, a Holistic Nutritionist, natural, whole foods Chef, product developer and advocate for women getting to know their bodies, cycles and selves better. Born in Los Angeles, California and raised in Baja California, Mexico, she now lives in Los Cabos with her partner Kees, a curly-tailed rescue dog from Curacao, Flint and her rainbow babies Paloma and Bea.  

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HORMONAL & PROUD

Created as a brand to help women navigate the toughest moments in pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum — and practically every stage of life, the SABI aims to change the narrative around our hormones from one of taboo, embarrassment and loneliness, to awareness and even pride. Much more than a wellness brand, SABI offers a carefully crafted line of products to carry you through your hormonal journey; a set of rituals, supportive tools, and ancient herbal remedies that have been tested time and again by women and now, backed by medicine. SABI is a blend of science and nature conceived by women who have experienced the joys and deep implications of bringing a child into the world, the pains of a heavy and difficult period, miscarriage and difficulty conceiving

Here is an invitation to get to know your body and its cycles better and to really understand what is going on inside. Learn to use your hormonal cycle to your advantage no matter your stage of life, and know that you can always support and balance your hormone levels. Look for the right sources of information, know that there is help, and know that you’re supported.

DISCLAIMER

The SABI blog and articles are not meant to instruct or advise on medical or health conditions, but to inform. The information and opinions presented here do not substitute professional medical advice or consultations with healthcare professionals for your unique situation.